Just a little something

I really have been letting my blog slip lately which is bad seeing as i have so much going on in my life and things are going to get more hectic next year! 

Seeing as it is just Jack at home today out of the kids i have a bit of time before i start cleaning the house so i though i might put some stuff down as to what has been going on in my life and in my head. Sorry if it gets a bit crazy i will try and keep on track as much as i can!

So as we all know i am having baby number 3... yes isn't the best circumstances with having the new relationship and i was so set on studying next year but i am a strong believer in things happening for a reason so clearly this bubs was meant to be. But as i say this my and Jimmy have talked a LOT about all of this and this will be my last baby. No more more me i will have my beautiful kids and 3 is defiantly enough for us! I am going to get my tubes tied i see no point in not doing it although Jimmy wants to get the snip so we are arguing as to who gets to do it hehe. I am really trying to make the most of this pregnancy but i think with the rough start with my family i am still struggling a little bit to be more excited. I have a feeling however that after my big ultra sound next week and hopefully one we know who is in there i will be more excited as we can go and start buying baby stuff! Don't get me wrong i love my little baby as much as i love my other 2 just the excitement factor is lacking a little..... Here's hoping i find it very soon! So that is one of my babies done!

Now on to Miss Lilly... She is growing up sooo fast still cant believe she is going to be 2 in less then 4 months! She amazes me every day with how quickly she is learning things. I must say she is my quite one nothing very huge happens with her she just potters along side Jack. Although Christmas night was a bit of a different story the poor baby. Her big brother knocked her over and landed on her so we spent some time up at the hospital to make sure he was ok... we even got to go in am ambulance, first time for me but Lil really didn't like it :( but she is fine just a egg on the head,scrap on her nose and some grazes on her knee. She is a toughey though like her mum :)

Now onto my mini man.... i don't even know where to begin with him. I guess i will start with the biggest thing to happen to our Mr Jack. I finally has a diagnosis for him.... He does in fact had Aspergers. He is high functioning which is fantastic makes life that little bit easier but it still means that he needs funding and help with school and all the stuff you wouldn't really think twice about with most kids we need to with Jack. After the new year is when we really start tackling all of this. I need to join something called Aspect and try and find a group around my area with parents going/gone through all of this which i know i am gunna need the support of people who know what it is like. I knew it was coming but to actually see it on paper was just heart breaking. I cried on and off all day but the next day i picked myself up and got on with things. He is still my mini man and always will be no matter what i love him to the ends of the earth and back x 10000000 but this is defiantly a new challenge for all of us to be facing. Jimmy is supporting me 100 percent which is just amazing makes me love him even more! We know the next however many years is going to be a rough road but at the same time it is going to make Jacks life that bit easier which is what i want for him.. he deserves it! Poor jack though yesterday he was getting something out of Jimmy's car and he got his finger caught in the door.... i haven't heard him scream like that for a very long time. Thankfully he didn't break this thumb he just has a swollen and very impressive coloured thumb! He is even already playing the wii!

I swear i love my kids so much i don't know what i would do without them!! Being a mum is amazing yes i have days i wanna strangle them(but i don't) but at the end of the day i look at them and my heart melts and i thank god i am a mum to these amazing children!

I am also very lucky to have the man in my life i do. I hit jackpot with this one!! He is one of my best friends but also my boyfriend. I know i can tell him anything and he wont love me any less. I love that my family have gotten to know him a bit better over the past few days cause i love having him in my life. He is amazing with the kids and it is gorgeous to watch :D. I love him so much and since he came along life seems so much easier and more fantastic! 

Ok i am gunna go i have Christmas aftermath to clean up after!!! Love ya's all :D

xoxo

My new chapter

I know i haven't written in here for a while but i have had a lot going on in my life the last few months and honestly i wasn't sure how to express it all... There has been so much joy and happiness along with with stress and questioning things that have happened also not to mention the craziness of it all and trying to figure out how to deal with it all. But now things have settled down it is time i start blogging again!!

I was going to start from the start but i think i just wanna dive into the biggest part of my newest chapter which is Jellybean!!

Jellybean is what we are calling our baby till we know if it is a boy or a girl as i hate saying "it". You are probably thinking what the hell she is pregnant.... and well yes i am actually i am 14 weeks today! 26 weeks to go(give or take). I know it isn't under the best circumstances but i am a strong believer in things happen for a reason so Jellybean was meant to be and i have the most amazing man standing by me and to be my partner! I must say out of all my bubs i think this honestly was the most shocking of all... I was so worried about telling Jimmy and my family and friends.. really i dreaded it. Things with Jimmy went well so that was a good start. After that it was down hill but i understand and totally get it!!! Things seem to be settling down which THANK THE LUCKY STARS!!!!! I have had 2 ultra sounds and the down syndrome test and all is good and clear... Bubs is healthy happy and measuring as average size. I am already starting to look pregnant and not just fat now... it is still unbelievable i am doing this again so quickly but it is slowly starting to be more real even with my belly sticking out. I think my biggest concern with me is putting on a heap of weight while pregnant  had just lost 14kg :( but i am trying not to over do it with the food and specially the junk food but sometimes it is hard when i actually feel like eating something. 

So far i must say favourite pregnancy no morning sickness just off food, the headaches haven't been too bad and the peeing isn't too bad yet either... i am feeling so much better and have been for a few weeks back to being able to eat anything which is nice and not really looking at food and going ewwwww. My carpel tunnel seems to be kicking in a bit which isn't cool but i will see how i go with that! I am already needing bigger clothes just as my belly has started going round and that stuff lol.

I have my big ultra sound on the 4th Jan next year and i cant wait i will be at the almost half way mark and hopefully we find out what it is!! I am due on the 28th of May so that date really cant come soon enough although i will try and make the most of having just 2 rugrats!

I am going to go need to wrangle up Jack and i will blog again soon i promise!!

bye xoxo

OMG!!!

I have typed and deleted so many blogs and none of them seem right!! I have so much going on right now.....
Lately i have upset a few important people in my life i am so sorry for that but I am a big believer in things happening for a reason. I just hope in time those people will forgive me and be ok with everything i hate knowing i have disappointed people i love!!
I am lucky enough to have an amazing man in my life and i love him so much!!!
Ok i am gunna leave this here and i hope i update with a lot more soon!

Just something....

I have typed about 6 different blogs and nothing seems right....
I know i haven't put anything here in ages,had a lot going on lately. I have let down a few important people the past few weeks with some stuff going on in my life, i hate that i have done this but it is my life and i am big believer in things happening for a reason. I just hope i have not disappointed them too much and that they will eventually forgive me for it and accept it and be happy... i guess time will tell really.
I am gunna leave it there not really feeling like a big blog....

Interesting

Lately just speaking to people about many different things and me being me have picked up on a lot.... Not that i can say it cause i do it as well but my goodness people get scared and hide from things they would like to take a chance on, Like i said i do it just as much but just seeing things and hearing things makes me wonder... people really just live life in fear sometimes and most of it has to do with rejection and what the bad out come will be.
Yes live life the way you want but don't regret things try not to have too many of those what if's hanging over your head. Yes you can fall flat on your face but you live.. you pick yourself back up and move on, Life can have it's hugely crappy things but it can also have it's wonderful things and taking chances can lead to amazing things.
If i hadn't of taken the chance of getting back together with Grant i would never of had Jack... Hell if i didn't take the chance with Grant i would never have found out what love really feels like and to be someone's world(granted it didn't last long but still) and if i didn't take the chance going for a younger guy with mick i wouldn't have my baby girl. Also i have met some amazing people just by going for it... Yes i have failed so many times by taking a chance but it has taught me so much.
There are a few things i am holding back taking a chance but everyone has those things.... i guess things are good how they are if they are going to change it will be later down the track i guess. I think being as sick as i got made me realise all the good things in my life again and it was just the right kick in the butt to get me back to chipper positive me! yes things still really need to be sorted out with crappy "work" but it will get sorted so i am gunna just figure out what next and go from there!!

The past week and a bit has been horrible me and the kids have been sooo sick but we are all finally on the mend which means i can get back to exercising and getting on top of my house work. Although my kitchen is clean and my fridge is spotless thanks to Jimmy cleaning it for em the other night lol. I am just glad we are all getting better seeing as i have my first markets with my sister this Sunday and next weekend is my sister 30th birthday and we are all staying in the gong for 2 nights which is going to be sooo much fun hanging out with everyone and just having fun! Gunna be a bit of a rough day Sat but i will get through and have an awesome time celebrating my sister turning the big 3-0!!!

Gunna go and find some food, i am a little hungry which is a massive thing right now LOL
love yas xoxo

Just i something wanted to put down

So i have always wondered.... why do we like/fall for the people we do. A lot of people say that have a type,if i had to say my type i would be putting down dickhead, yeas i have liked some decent guys but that was the case of we didn't click or they didn't see me that way.. the rest well they clearly all ended and turns out the guy was a dick and most of my friends and family didn't like him.
I really do think what am i doing wrong even though i am told by many that it isn't me.. clearly it is me a little seeing as i end up with this idiots. In a way i am grateful cause each time i learn something and realise even more so what i want out of a partner and that is just it i want a partner someone i am equal with but if my "type" is dickhead how am i to know the next guy wont be just that....
So if you had to say what your type is what would it be? Who are you attracted too? All the guys i have liked don't really have much in common or even have similar features... i guess only thing that is the same with most of they have gorgeous eyes.
All this dating stuff just baffles me some days and today is one of those days, I guess there is always something that you get drawn into with a person, I would love to know what people get drawn into with me other then my boobs!! I dunno all am all over the place with my thoughts atm but i just wanted to put this down not that there was much of a point to it...xoxo

Stuff,things and junk!

So lately life hasn't been all that great... yes life is about the little things but the crappy stuff is starting to effect the little joys in my life and that just doesn't fly well with me. I know things will get better it is just the matter of how much more crap will be thrown at me and when will it start t get better.
I have/am so sick atm and having sleep elude me so very often lately i have been thinking a LOT which yes in a  way is good but in a way bad, i have realised how badly i have screwed up with this whole "work" thing. I really was hoping i would bet getting on top of my finical situation but instead i am falling so very far behind i am almost to drowning point again....I am so grateful for all my family and friends trying to keep me positive and help me out i love you all so much and i have defiantly learnt a very lesson from this!!
A lot of my other thoughts have been on what is to come next year and how i can try and make it a better year then this one. Also thoughts about the past.. some about the awesome times and some about mistakes i have made. I know everyone makes mistakes that is life and if you don't how will you ever learn i just swear i am make mistakes then most and in everything in life... Jobs,money and especially guys. It seems the guys i like are either idiots that treat me crappy or they are wonderful but don't want to date me.... Hopefully that will change soon and i will find a wonderful man that treats me good and DOES want to date me!(here's hoping anyways) Having a man in my life isn't a must but it is more then welcome LOL having someone for me would be nice but i know it is a bit down the track that it will happen.
So i did my check up on the STAT dates and they have new ones now to find $160 and register to sit my test and hopefully apply and get into uni starting next year!!! If i can do that i will be so very happy i cant wait to kick start uni and know i am one step closer to becoming a teacher it is the biggest thing i want right now i think, just to know i will get there would be a weight lifted.This is all on whether i do ok in the STAT test that i get into uni if i don't i will try another way but any way possible i will be getting into uni!!!
I got a new album the other day and i am addicted!! It is Adele and i LOVE it!! She is fantastic and some of the songs are just amazing and i can so relate too! Just listening to it makes me feel better for some reason, mind you some of the songs make me think of certain people past and present.....

So update on mini man he turned 8 on Wed which i still cant wrap my head around! I have made his psychologist appointment i have to go on my own to the first appointment which isn't till Oct and then jack has his first appointment in Nov so a bit of a weight but least it is starting to happen. Also had his hearing tested and he has perfect hearing so he is screwed now cant get away with not listening lol. He is having friend issues again at school which explains his bad behavior again... I really wish he would just leave it and try playing with other kids although most of them don't want to play with Jack cause he is so different... makes my heart break knowing he doesn't really have any friends :( he is such a loving kid yes odd but still.... hopefully he will find some good friends soon that wont switch whether they like him or not.....

Not much to update on miss Lil pil still getting more beautiful and cheeky everyday, she is super sick like me which sucks she isn't coping all that well :( She is talking even more and figuring things out so bloody quickly freaks me out!!She is 17 months tomorrow.. it will be her 2nd birthday before i know it!

Well gunna go xoxo

The day he turned 8

So today is my mini mans 8th birthday!! I am so over whelmed with all these emotions and feelings.
I haven't quite wrapped my mind around the fact he is 8,feels like just yesterday he was born...the past 8 years have flown past.. scarey to think the next 8 will probably fly even faster.
Things have changed so much in the 8 years except one thing....And that is the fact i love him so very much and i couldn't imagine my life with house hes gorgeous face and his contagious laugh.. you hear it and just want to laugh as well!
Yes life can be challenging with my mini man but he always keep things interesting! He has always been such a character from the moment he was born,i love that he is different and know just what he wants! He is my inspiration most days with the fact he never gives up on the things he wants and never lets you forget the things he wants LOL.
I cam proud of what a happy and loving kid he is and i know i am that reason... plus all the awesome people in his life. He may get under our skin from time to time but you you will always get a hug and a huge hello off him! He is slowly growing into an amazing young man and i love watching ti happen. he will always be my baby boy though!!

Happy birthday JT i love you so much thank you for be my son!!! xoxo

Friday is the day

Today has just been BLAH! I have loved spending time with my girl i have missed it,but just feel off today. I just feel unattractive and useless(and no this is not me fishing for anything),not sure why maybe it is the weather. It has been a while since i just had some me time though that might have something to do with it. Lately with work and the kids i am feeling neglected i guess... i dunno. I am not down or anything just very blah and unsure,but tomorrow is a new day and will be a great day!

So today while playing with Lilly i was tipping her upside down as i do cause she loves it and i looked in her mouth she has 2 molars on the top... almost completely through i was shocked they are some hardcore teethy's to have come through. Yeah she has been a bit grumpy but not enough to expect 2 molars! I am still amazed at how teething barely effects her.Poor Jack would brake out in eczema head to toe,really bad nappies,temps and crying lots of crying,but Lil barely bats an eyelid it is good i hated seeing jack go through that every time the poor little man. Since taking her dummy away from her she really is starting to talk more,we were in target today at the layby line and the lady that worked there was amazed at how chatty she was to well everyone! She was waving and being all cutesy she is so cute when we go out now a days!! She is also a big girl now and she has a pink stroller it was time we stopped using the pram and i must say i LOVE the stroller really simple but to easy to steer (wow how sad is my life i am excited about a $25 stroller LOL). She looks like such a big girl in it though awww my girl is growing too fast!!!!

So Jack had a really good day at school today the teacher he normally plays up for he was brilliant today i really hope it last as he got a level 4 warning yesterday.. I swear i have the biggest pile of those letters i will be so grateful the year i don't get any... well if that ever happens that it!But since his suspension last year he hasn't actually be on level 4 just the warnings then he gets his act together! Cause he was so good he got to go on club penguin this arvo.. Probably thinking what he hell is club penguin,it is a chat for kids really and you'r avatar is a penguin,must say it is pretty cute and it is completely save it is monitored and everything,he wants me to buy him a membership but i think i will wait and see how long it lasts so i don't end up wasting my money!!
So my mini man is 8 in less then 2 weeks.. can you believe it,less then 2 freaking weeks! Trying to get some money together to get his birthday pressie out of layby. Another humble birthday for my boy but i know he will love when he is getting plus we will have dinner here and thinking of having just a little picnic down at the river the weekend before it or after i guess we will wait and see.

This is only a short and sweet blog tonight so enjoy the rest of your night.
xoxo

My journey with Jack....Part 2

I left my last blog just was i got home from hospital....
Being at home was nice but hard,Grant had taken a whole month off to spend time with me and Jack, i would get up for feeds and what not but if he was awake and someone wasn't holding him i would just put him in the rocker on our bed. I tried breastfeeding once my milk came in but he just didn't want it it was too much effort so that added to what i was already feeling.I expressed for the first 6 weeks just so he was getting the milk he should have been getting but was also having formula. I slept when i could as i wasn't sleep much even when i wasn't doing the early morning feeds.I would just lay there and think to myself what have i done why cant i just make this work and maybe i should talk to Grant about giving him up for adoption but how was i going to say that i would be the worst person on this earth,so i kept my mouth shut and put on a happy face.
Things got really real when Grant had to go back to work it was just me and Jack.... i just started goring through the motions,feed him,put him in the rocker then nap time and all those other baby type thing you do. I would look at him and just think he is cute but i don't see it..... He was almost 3 months and one day i was on the computer he was in the rocker just laying and babbling when i looked over at him,poked him and said hi....He smiled at me i was so shocked i didn't know what to think. So i did it again and he smiled again and this time i smiled back. I just kept talking to him and he just kept smiling,all of a sudden i had this rush of emotions he was my son. I picked him up just for the hell of it and he let out this little giggle and a huge smile. I finally felt what i should have been feeling the moment he was born.After some more time i would pick him up more and even have cuddles this feeling was like nothing i had ever experienced i LOVED it... i LOVED him! I started to feel so much happier about being a mum and us being a family. Around this time is when the 3 of us moved out of mums and into our own place it was getting cramped for poor mum.

It felt wonderful setting up our house and fixing up Jack's room,things were good we were all happy and healthy finally. Jack to have a few ultra sounds on body parts when he was new born to make sure some stuff was ok.His eyes were still bad but nothing happened for a while. I had finally started forming a bond with Jack and i loved every minute of it,i hated when he had to sleep,i would sometimes go and watch him from the door way.Hell we would even have naps together before "Daddy" got home. He was my little man and i was so in love. He started rolling and playing and doing so many amazing things i loved watching him learn everything.He took a while to crawl but he eventually did. I used to love (well kinda) watching Jack play around in his cot when he should of been sleeping he would push his head against the bars and smile and laugh and yell out for me and Grant was so cute. His smile made my whole world light up every time even when being naughty(it still does now). Things got rocky with me and Grant and jack started to change a little he got more sooky and harder to get to sleep, he was turning into a different baby after everything i did to make it work i knew it was time to go for mine and Jack's sake.

So we moved into mums for a little while and we were sharing a room,it was tough on both of us we didn't sleep much it was just too much for both.We only stayed at mums for 2-3 months and then Ez,Jack and I all moved out.Was a crappy house but who i was living with couldn't of been better. We all had some adjusting to do seeing as it was all new and what not,but mine and jack's bond got stronger and did Ez's and Jack's. We all started getting into the flow of it all and Jack was walking.. hell running only walked for about a day,and getting into everything he was such a cheeky little baby monkey.About 6 months old jack got his first pair of glasses... they were these cute little chuppa chup ones he didn't like them at fist but couldn't get them off so he adjusted and quickly. Was really scarey being told that my 6month old baby needed glasses and maybe down the track eye surgery. Also i was being told by my gp every visit that Jack was under weight and there was something wrong.. all the dr talked to me like i was an idiot cause i was so young but trust me he ate and he ate a LOT!!! i would ask the pediatrician about his weight and he said yes he is underweight but not to worry too much just keep an eye on it. Still i was being made to feel crap and i wasn't feeding my baby enough.So it was rocky for a while with all this going on and Jack not seeing his "dad" for a few months.We got through though and i had great support for my sister and bestie Ezz and all my friends really they were all wonderful. It his his 1st birthday and i wanted to cry my baby was 1 not so much a baby anymore. I must admit i did cry the night of his birthday but i was so proud to see the little man he was growing into. A few people in my life kept telling me there was something wrong with him as he wasn't speaking much but i didn't worry,i knew he would talk on his own time which he did. Just after Christmas that year Jack was moved into a big bed as he kept climbing/falling out of the cot he loved having a big bed although after a while he would end up falling asleep behind the door cause he was too short to reach the door handle LMAO!!!
The year after that we moved to a MUCH nicer place up the road from mums we loved it there Jack would go play outside in our little backyard and it just felt more like home. Jack's room was all set up he loved it had his toys and his bed he was a happy little monkey and every morning he would go into Ez's room and wake her up, it was nice being there. Jack was the happiest little boy even with not seeing his dad for months on end he seemed to deal with it just fine he had me and everyone else that loved him so very much. Before i knew it we were celebrating his 2nd birthday and was that a party.. everything had to be Nemo as he has just started watching Tv and loved the movie. I had a great day was even given a camera by Ez,Ezz,Tez and Jake so i could finally take pics of my little man i felt so lucky to have these people in my life!!! Jack was still so tiny at this stage i liked my little mini man tiny hehehe just like his mummy.We stayed at that house for a while but the following year me and Ez went our separate ways so her and Sprongll could start their lives together.

I was excited but scared to be doing this just me and Jack. We settled in pretty quick just the 2 of us we started bonding even more getting to know each other on our own,we worked he had a huge room to play in.I thought seeing as he was turning 3 soon we would start potty training it was bumpy at first started to get the hang of it(this is around the time Grant came into our lives again and then went again) but then after "dad" disappeared he just wouldn't do it. I was getting lectures off many people about how he should be potty trained by now and i felt like crap because of it.But towards Christmas we started again and he slowly got the hang of it....I was just nervous about having to teach him to stand up and pee but i had ideas i was quite happy to try!!!Once i started at tafe he picked up peeing standing up from the boys at the childcare THANK GOD!!That was a load taken off me. W were doing ok with 2 of us... fair enough i had my adult problems but me and him were good... he was the reason i got up every morning the person i could always rely on.... my reason for being!!

Ok gunna leave it there i am buggered and need to do some more cleaning....
Byeee xoxo

My journey with Jack....Part 1

I have decided it is time i talk about my journey with my mini man....
So i was 17 almost 18 when i found out i was pregnant with Jack. Grant and I had decided we wanted to keep the baby and start our family.The day i found out went like this....I hadn't been feeling well since boxing day but just figured i had eaten to much over christmas, i tried to ignore it for a few days but enough was enough.I took the day off work as did Grant and i was picked up by Ez and Ezz and the drove me to a medical center but the wait for like 3 hours i really didn't want to wait. So we weighed up whether to stay or not,so they asked the question i had been waiting for... "are you pregnant?" i said maybe but doubtful so we decided we should leave get a pregnancy test and head back to their place.We got back i peed on a stikc and just talked while we waited 3 mins,I went to check picked it up looked shook my head walked out to the instructions read them then ran back to the toilet and yelled "Oh crap". Ez and ezz sarted screaming stuff out no idea what...i walked back out in the lounge room and announced i am pregnant,well the looks on their faces i will never forget them.Pretty sure mine was the same.Poor Ezz went white and quite as a ghost and my sister just started saying thins(again no idea what).I went home after some crying and talking and i had to face Grant.. I had to tell him how the hell was i going to tell him. Thankfully mum wasn't home at the time i walked in he hugged me and asked me who it went,well i just started balling and blurted out "I'm pregnant" he laughed hugged me and calmed me down then we talked about what we were going to do.  I was sooooooo sick with Jack i threw up most of the day was tired and found it hard to get through some days. My parents had a hard time dealing that i was having a bay and hey who can blame them i was a teenager. I was suggested to go talk to someone about the whole thing so i went down to The Warehouse and spoke to someone down there and they then referred me to a midwife that did weekly visits there to see her patients who were pregnant and under 21. She was lovely had the first official visit with her and then booked me in to get an ultra sound to find out how far along i was and to check everything was fine. I still remember going to my first ultra sound i was so nervous i had never been to one so didn't know what to expect. Honestly i cant remember who was with me i think maybe my sister,Ezz or Grant... either way all i remember is the moment they put his tiny little jelly bean looking pic up i just fell in love!That was my baby....
After about 13 weeks the all-day-sickness started to subside and i started getting a bit more energy back and this is around the time my size 10 stomach started to grow. Every week was a different craving and by the end of the week i was over that food cause i would just through it up at some point.For about 5-6 years i couldn't look at sausage rolls LOL.I would have my monthly check up with my midwife and everything was going fine she booked me in to get my 12 week scan done and get the special test done cant remember it's name right now). I loved seeing my peanut again he was moving a lot by this stage and looked more baby like hehe i was amazed i couldn't take my eyes off him! At this stage i was starting to get really bad headaches and a sore neck so i was referred to a physio. It was so painful but helped worst thing was that my neck would only stay in place for a while cause the moment i got bigger it would get worse :(.
Things were going rather smoothly wasn't sick anymore could eat what i wanted and just bum around as work didn't want me anymore,more just waited around till i had my BIG ultrasound at 18 weeks i was so excited. We had decided we weren't going to find out the sex and just leave it as a surprise....Which come my ultra sound there was no way we were going to find out anyways all he could do was shake his ass! He was being such a little trouble maker wouldn't move for the guy to see his heart and one of his lungs. I was busting to go to the toilet and because he was trying to see what he needed to see was a bit longer.. then he said the best words ever i almost kissed him! I was allowed to pee and have some sugar try and get him to move. We went for a walk i peed and got some chocolate went back and the little bugger had barely moved! But we kept trying and he finally moved enough to see it all,all was good with my baby i was relieved.
Now it was wait till i had bubs!! As i got bigger my neck and hips were quite painful... the neck was bearable but the bigger i got the more i found ti hard to walk or even move plus i ended up getting carpel tunnel. I was turning into the huge whale that would waddle and had bung hands but i loved it all was all so worth it!
Right near the end he started slowing down but still managed to get his feet caught in my ribs and OMFG that is painful!! But i loved the kicks and punches and the rolling... watching my stomach look like an alien was about to jump out of it. I did have trouble sleeping between the needing to pee and not being able to get comfy,plus middle of winter i was stinking hot. Poor Grant was under about 4 blankets and i had the window and the fan on and i was still hot!!
I was really starting to be over being pregnant with not being able to walk.I had braxton hicks one night they were not pleasant hurt like a mofo.. or so i thought they were. I had an appointment with my midwife she checked me out and everything else i was in pre-labour and what i had was actual contractions!This was a few days before my due ate i was being told left right and center oh you will go any day now,early bubs and ect. MY ASS early!!! Got to my due date and nothing...so i tried to keep myself busy a few days passed and nothing that was it i am gunna bring this child on. I went for a long walk as painful as it was,Ez took me on a bumpy crazy drive,had some hot food,hot bath i was so close to making grant have sex with me LOL. So it came to the 30th August and i was getting upset,Grant had a lan that day so i was stuck at home on my own. I was a bit worried i hadn't felt bubs move in a while so mum took me to the hospital i was freaking out a little. They monitored me for a few hours said bubs was fine and that i could go home,i was having small contractions the whole time but nothing i could really notice. Went home had a shower chucked on spider man to watch and next thing i know i am waking up to the end of the credits... i was gobsmacked i had slept a full 3 hours with no interruptions.I actually felt ok for once,Then i tried to eat dinner but wasn't fussed.... about 8 i started having a few pains so mum gave me a hot water bottle and i crawled into bed with it... time went on and the pains got worse.... Got to about 11 and i was in agony i was in tears and just wanted the pain to stop..i went and woke mum up and she decided it was time to go to the hospital. I got some stuff ready and rung Grant to tell him we were picking him up(someone wasn't very happy about that plane). I rung my sister and Ezz and told them what was happening.They meet us at the hospital,i was hooked up to the machine again but i was told i was barely in labour but the pain was telling em other wise.I felt everything in my hips it was horrid!!! Mum and peter went home to get some sleep and my lovely sister and beautiful best friend Ezz stayed at the hospital with me Grant was there but was sleeping... they girls were talking to me trying to get my mind off it Ez even asked if i could sit cause laying hurt just too much..... Poor Ez had been up all night and most of the day she had been at work and had to go back to work as there was no one to cover her shift! I think it was around 6 in the morning they moved me into an actual labour suite,chucked me on the inducing drug to try and get it completely happening,the contractions were so erratic didn't know when the next one was coming it was really scarey,they broke my waters and put a monitor on bubs head... not sure what time it was but Grant parents turned up,my dad and Gaye,mum and peter all ended up in my room with me.. all chatting and what not while i had my contractions. I loved my bed i would just wrap myself around it if i was having one. Contractions were horrible like nothing i had ever felt! And what made it worse i felt more through my hips. I think about mid day was when i got and epidural,but they had to give me a shot of pethadine to tide me over the needle guy was gunna be a while. Through all of this the more time that went on the more scared i got.The epiman finally got there and i was ok,the pain would go away... he did it no problems with it he took the needle out just as i was about to have a contraction,shall i add Grant saw the needle and walked outside left me all alone to have a giant needle in my spine!!.At this stage mum had kicked everyone out and it was just me and Grant... He was talking to me keeping me distracted i didn't even know i was having HUGE contractions... after a bit i was watching his face and asked what was going on.. and he told me the epi was working cause i wasn't feeling anything. I just relaxed into the bed i felt wonderful i could just lay there and not move not cry nothing.... After that things got very hazy,i do remember people being in and out of the room,being checked by nurses and what not. I was woken up completely saying that it was almost time to push i was 10cm dilated. My number 5 nurse was finished with her shift and told me she was going to stick around i told her to go home(thank god i did) i then got number 6 & 7 and a lot of nurses and dr's joined me in the room... my mum and Grant were in there everyone else was outside. they started getting stuff ready around me and turned my epi drip down. This was it i was petrified!!! I wanted to get up and walk out of the room even though i couldn't feel my legs. They got me to sit up and hold my legs(i am sorry but it was just not possible for me to hold both my legs and freaking push this baby out) I ended up with Michael(a nurse) and Grant holding my legs..... i had mum next to me shoving ice into my mouth as i hadn't eaten or drunken anything for over 24 hours!! It was hard i had no idea what i was doing.. i had going through my mind this is meant to me natural... my freaking ass it is!! So i was pushing and i noticed the dr had a weird look on his face. He started talking to me and Grant and told us that the baby wouldn't be breathing and not to freak out... that he is stuck and he is going to have to try the vacuum and the forceps to get him out. Honestly it felt like a life time but also felt like only a few minutes this all happened in, the dr even tried using his hands to pull him out the guy was shaking he was trying to hard he wasn't budging!!It was now up to me to get this baby out whether i liked it or not. I was so over it by this time but i kept pushing when i would get a contraction(still very erratic)also had mum telling the dr to give me a c-section but that wasn't going to happen his head was there just stuck cause he was facing upwards eventually i pushed hard enough to get the little bugger out,about half way through they turned my epi back up so i was lucky enough not to feel anything painful when i had Jack..... i was so exhausted i just collapsed they said he was out....I just layed there wanting to sleep and then i heard the baby cry... going through my head was"yep he is ok i can sleep now" they brought the baby over and told us it was a boy and put him down so i could see... Grant started saying we have pout little Jack,honestly i didn't care about see him i wanted to be left alone!They took Jack away and Grant went with as did mum... i still had to pass the after birth(i know ewww gross) and of course that was an issue i almost had to go in for a c-section to get it removed but they gave me a shot of something and it passed.They cleaned me up and changed sheets and what not and then let my family in.... i saw everyone they all said congrats and then was kicked out... THANK GOD!!!! The lovely Michael told me i could sleep now so i did!!! Felt like i slept for days was only a few hours.I got to get up and have a shower i just sat on the chair for an hour letting the water wash over me... it was the most peaceful i had felt in days,i didn't have to talk to anyone or worry about anything.

After my shower i was taken down to see Jack,i didn't want to but i didn't want to say that to him so i just went with it. We got down to the nic unit(which i had no idea he was down there) he wheeled me in and i was this little ugly baby with a cranky look on his face...i looked at him and thought ok it's a baby. I kinda looked around and one of the nurses came over and told me he had just come out of an incubater i wasn't that fusses kinda pretended to care until they took me to a bed so i could sleep. I got upstairs and just slept,i woke up at about 8 when breakfast was served i felt ok for a second then i woke up totally and then OMG the freaking pain.I ate a little bit of the breakfast and then Grant and mum turned up i was so happy to see them i wasn't alone in this stupid hospital(i don't do well in hospitals) Mum had brought up a few things for me and asked if i had seen the baby... i hadn't cause i hadn't been awake for long. I had a million visitors through the day was nice not being left alone. I think i went down twice the first day as i needed to get up and walk around get my legs moving and make sure the stitches were ok. It was so painful to walk but i just kept going. I think the worst thing about the first day was i finally saw my face..... i cried so much because i had to push so hard i burst all the blood vessels in my eyes and most in my cheeks i was mortifies that that baby had made me do this to myself. It was so bad my best friend asked me where I was lol. The next few days was hard all i wanted to do was go home but because i jack i had to stay plus they wanted to make sure i recovered ok.I barely saw jack if i really didn't have to i was kinda grateful he was down in the nic unit but sick of people complaining that i didn't have him in the room with me. I remember one night as visiting hours were ending they needed to put a new canula into Jacks arm i had to hold him! I have never heard a baby scream/cry like that still to this day. I just sat there and let them do what they needed to do....Day 4 came around and he was finally allowed to come into my room. OMFG he didn't sleep at all that night and the lady enxt to me was getting the shits,well hunny your baby cried every night all night since i got up there! I just walked around the wing with him in the crib or in my arms just rocking him,i just wanted to cry and run away. I couldn't do this!
Day 5 came around and the let me go home!!!! I was so freaking happy i get to go home,but i didn't want to bring this tiny baby home i wanted him to stay there.
I had never felt so disconnected from someone before but when he was still in the womb i couldn't wait to hold him in my arms. I felt like the worst person in the world, i really just didn't want him anymore. I didn't want to be a mother i just wanted to be me again! But we had to take him home but when we did i barely did anything,i made Grant do it all....
Ok gunna lave it there for tonight more tomorrow night xoxo

Going for 2 in 1 night

This blogging thing is becoming addictive lol. This one is about my babies!!!
Since the whole pj incident Jack hasn't been fighting me quite as much,we have our moments but always do with Jack but i think he is finally seeing i am starting to really follow through when i say i will do something,i have even stopped yelling it has been hard but i am noticing a difference in him when he gets in trouble. There is still so far to go but we are getting there slowly and seeing little changes is nice! Jack even got a Merit award at school on Friday for an improvement with spelling i was so very proud of him and i am so glad i was there to see it.
What is really getting to me at the moment is Jack getting up in Lil's face and just generally pissing her off. Lilly lets out this horrid screech when ever he is annoying her and i hear it a LOT.I get he wants to play and he loves her but she loves her personal space and just being let to her own devices. I guess that is what brothers and sisters do i just didn't think it would be this soon she isn't even 2 yet hehe.
So Jack is going to be 8 in a few weeks and i must say i am freaking out a little bit.... my baby boy can't be turning 8 that is just so grown up,i still remember him at 2 running around with grumpy and climbing on/in everything and just so damn adorable. Before i know it he will be a teenager and i will cry.

Lilly is 16 1/2 months old and getting smarter everyday. Her newest things are bunny nose, i thought it to her she got it in a day i was so proud and it is so bloody cute when she does it.She waves to everyone now as well,just will sit and wave and giggle to herself. Her top 4 teeth are almost all the way through but she still only has 6 teeth.. teething is going to take a hell of a lot of time to come through. She grows more gorgeous every day as well and he hair is starting to get long.. i can put it up in 2 little pig tails and they are so damn cute. I have started teaching her body parts and animal sounds and she is picking it up pretty quickly, she is a very clever little cookie. Once it warms up she is in for a few changes. Her cot will be going into a toddler bed,dummy will be going all together and i am going to see how she goes potty training. Ever since she had the truth any time she does a poo she gets the worst rash and always bleeds. She has such a sensitive little toosh :( always has but it is so much worse now.. i have a feeling she will go ok with it she loves the toilet no idea why though but i will just roll with it.

I really do love my babies even when they drive me up the wall,they make me wanna be better every day and i couldn't imagine life without them.
that's it for now... xoxo

A bit of everything!!!

I am really unsure what to put here tonight.. there is still so much for me to say. I do however want to say with everything i have been through in the past 26 years and all the mistakes i have made i am really starting to like th person i am,i think i have learnt a lot and i am so grateful for the things i have in my life. I am really trying to embrace everything that is thrown my way and staying positive that things will work out.I am a strong believer in things happy for a reason.
Most of the relationships i have been in have been crappy... And clearly all ended and generally ended badly!! Most of the ones i had after Grant were generally because someone who showed interest and i was lonely.. but there were a few i can honestly say it was cause they were great guys and i was interested. But i think after my last relationship it showed me a lot about who i become when i am with someone and i don't like that person,i am more determine then ever once i do start dating i wont fall back into old habits. I tend to put the other person first they get everything they want and need and i end up with nothing and i turn into this person that just didn't know what she wants or who she is! Since the night me and Mick split i started working on me and i have found out a lot about myself and how i can to thing differently next time. I always have had a lot of love and support from my beautiful friends and family specially this last time. I am actually proud of myself for the first time in a VERY long time i am finally losing weight and i am trying to be a better person and mother all round. Every day there is a new step but every day i find it so much easier. I am really appreciating the small things in life and want to do more things and have much more fun for myself and with the kids.
I have always wanted to be the best parent i can be and i think i am finally getting there,My biggest thing is knowing when i need some me time and taking it or doing something fun and let loose once in a while.
The older i get the more in understand that life is what you make of it and really what is the point of being negative and down all the time it doesn't really ever get you far. Yeah i have my downer days abut i always try to break myself out of them yeah sometimes it doesn't happen but sometimes it does... depends on the days events really.

Relationships have always be a must for me i think.. High school it was easy you break up you find someone new that day or the next day but when your a teenager having a crush is a weekly thing. It helped that i have always found it easy to talk to guys so i have always had guy friends to boot. I was always shy with guys that i like(hell it is the same deal now at 26 LOL) but high school it was a tad worse,but i never really thought much of it. Having the friends i did in high school never really helped with the whole having sex and fooling around so me being me trying to fit in i slept with a guy way to early, i am not proud of myself and i am quite ashamed of it but it happened so not much else i could do about it... That "relationship" didn't last long as i found out i was the other woman i was devastated with all that had happened and he was my first. I think that added to so many issues i already had. the few guys after that were short lived and somewhat a bit of heartache... I didn't love them but still.But after Grant i was a chubby single mum with no confidence at all,so as i said most of the time i would jump at the chance to be with someone cause they showed interest i figured i don't want to be alone. I always wanted a guy in my life to make me feel better about me(most of the time there were a few exceptions)After a guy named Dave who was a guy i was with just for someone... i was single for a while and i started to get to know who i am, i had started looking to lose weight and was just figuring out what to do next....And i got to the point i was ok with being on my own i did't NEED a guy i just wanted one. Mick popped up not long after that. We were together just on 2 years but since then seeing the relationship we had and i have had with so many others i really am ok with being on my own and i really am i pay for everything i rent this house on my own and i do all my mummy stuff on my own. I like i don't need a man to make my life easier i just want one when i find the right one. A really good friend Jimmy....(there ya go hun :P) lately has shown me what nice guys are like and it shows me that the nice ones are defiantly worth waiting for.I don't quite think he understands how much he has given me with just being the friend he is!
I know it is gunna take one hell of a guy to take me and the kids on, but if he is wanting to clearly he will be worth having a round but i want to do things differently... Unless i actually know the guy as a friend when we start dating it will be a while before he meets the kids, i think that is something i should do differently . I wanna be swept off me feet and shown i am worth being taken out and treated like a princess from time to time and that i will have an equal in a relationship. I really and truly know what i want in my next relationship and i deserve it!!! But ti will be a challenge.. See Lilly has a dad so she doesn't really need another one yes she will be getting one in a way but still... the challenge will be Mr Jack,he has never known what a dad really is but at the same time it would be nice for him to have someone to look up to. He needs someone to have fun with and just see as a decent guy. I think he is starting to get to the point he isn't really looking for a dad he knows he always has me.
Well i am going now.... xoxo

Some more about me....

Not quite sure where to start this one.....
I guess i will just start with the part of my life after me and Grant split..... So as i have said i moved me and jack to mums place but we were only there for a few months and then me and my sister moved out together.We were in this little house kind of dodge but it would do for a while,we took no time settling in and living together it worked well.. only part i didn't like was that she worked night shift and i would freak out being at home just me and Jack but i slowly got used to it.We stayed there about about 9 months but we were so sick of all the house crap we started looking again and found this great little villa up the road from mums. The moment we moved in it felt like home! We loved it there we had our own little set ups and we just did out own things.....We would go out a big bunch of us girls or just a few of us but generally we would go to panthers for drinks and dancing. It was fun to just go out and let loose.. i was starting to get used to life just me and Jack living with Ez it was great.... i was not liking being single but trying to cope, One night Tez introduced us to jack we had heard so much about.. if i remember correctly;y it was for salsa dancing classes or something...Either way had a bit of a chat to him but i thought he was a cutie! A month or so later Tezma had her birthday party and it was at Panthers and Jake came along as did a heap of other Wollongong people who were all very awesome. After that night me and Jake started talking a lot over the net got to know each other and i was rather smitten with him. He would come for weekend visits it was nice to have a guy around that was nice to me and to Jack... Jack also loved him cause Jack had a cool car lol. I really started to like Jake but he didn't want the instant family plus he was always so busy with work and cadets.. looking back now i totally get it back then not so much cause i loved having him around!!! We would hang out all the time and talk all the time it was really nice.....
About Feb 06 me and Ez decided it was time we parted ways specially since the house we were in was for sale plus Ez and Sprongll wanted to move in together!! So i got a little unit (on the top floor silly me) and me and Jake moved me in over the weekend, was such a tough job for just 2 of us to do but we got it done thanks to Jake!! I got settled and Jack loved the new place,was just the 2 of us me really out on my own! At first it was ok we adjusted got ourselves set up but after a little while it all just got so much i got lonely and all the money i had to pay was just insane i couldn't keep up with any of it. At this point i didn't know how to manage money ad i started drowning in debt,i started losing myself,being depressed and just had NO idea what to do. I know a lot of people just didn't want to be around me other then Jack i just couldn't see the good in the world.My family and friends tried to break me of it but nothing seemed to help! Mum was my savoiur she helped me out more then i liked to ask!! After speaking to my brother about everything he suggested we move out together it was a great idea.. i started to get excited about things about life! I started house hunting and then something awesome came up... One of my brother's works mates had a house he was thinking of renting out and he offered it to us, the thought of moving to Bligh park was a bit iffy but then we thought why the hell not. It was a great house i loved it there!! 4 bedrooms and just a big open house with an awesome back yard and to top it off we lived across from the shops.
Was a bit of an adjustment living with someone again and to add to it was a male and then a 3rd male every 2nd weekend. But it worked well i started having saving,me and Jack started bonding more and Nick came with awesome stuff lol. It was nice living with my brother he was always so very zen made life easier.
So for a while before i moved out with Nick and whole living with Nick i had been talking to a guy name Stephen who i met through the net.. we talked a lot and i started to develop a bit of a crush he was a sweet cute guy but we never met.... i would hope one day we would... there were a few times we went to set something up but it never happened and about a week before we were set to me he started dating someone new! I was rather upset but couldn't really say much we had never met in real life.At this point too the newest thing online was Myspace! I had added a few randoms and one of them was a guy named Clarke.. he was a few years younger then me but i thought why not lets see where we go. We chatted on and off for a week we exchanged numbers so we smsed each other a lot. One Friday night i was out with some friends ad we went to the movies after that i decided i would take Clarke up on the offer and go meet him(not one of my finest moment!! Hell this whole section is just wrong in so many ways) So i meet him down at Nepean river(again i know very stupid) We just chatted a lot just got to know each other,i thought he was nice and could be a bit of fun.. i knew he could never be anything serious he was 19. So we parted ways that night and went home... we talked a heap for a week or so more and then thought why not lets hook up....So he came over he did the dead,talked a bit and he left. About a week later same deal.... didn't feel much about the situation he was cute was kinda boring but eh ok.So we would talk from time to time not as much as we used to... didn't really make much of it.One day i was soooo sick puking and feeling like crap hadn't eaten or drunk anything so my sister came and picked me up and took me to the after hours clinic at the hospital.. The asked me to do a pee test not thinking much of it,they took my temp and asked some question... got sent back out into the waiting room and about 10 mins later i got to see the dr... walked into the room dr asked how i was feeling and so forth just as i was about to sit down she turns to me and says " Your pregnant" the look on my face would have been priceless.... In that moment my heart honest to go stopped, i wanted to die! I turned to the dr and just said "nooooo.... just no" and she passed me a positive pee stick... she gives me a maxalon shot tell me to see my gp as soon as i can. I leave the room feeling even worse then when i walked in. I had so much going on in my head but i was using all my will power not to cry.I walk out to ez silent as anything and i just start walking to the car with her trailing behind me asking what is going on. I just swing around and blurt out that i am pregnant her face too was priceless.The car ride home i barely remember. I just remember going home sitting watching some stuff with my brother then going to bed and just crying.
I saw my gp and we set up ultra sounds and all that normal stuff. I still had no idea what i was going to tell people.Hell what i was going to tell this guy i slept with twice. I msged him a few night later seeing if he wanted to catch up and for some reason he knew something was going on, so i had to tell him over the phone... honestly i have had some shitt things said to me but he is still the top of the list he was such a fucking asshole it was unbelievable, i know what i told him no guy wants to hear but i told him he didn't need to be part of it i would do it on my own.. there was no way i was going to have an abortion i couldn't imagine giving up my baby no matter who it was too.So that was that with him... Now it was time to tell my parents.My poor parents!!! I kinda just dropped it like a bomb with mum she was so upset (i dont blame her) Peter did all the asking mum just stood there in shock. Dad and Gaye i kinda did the same thing just blurted it out they didn't cope either(again understandable)! I felt like i had let them all down in so many ways how was i ever going to stop being such a screw up!! My brother and sister were amazing though so supportive and just wonderful if it wasn't for them i wouldn't have gotten through.I went to my very first ultra sound and i was 8 weeks and 1 day along seeing that tiny little bug shape made all the crap i was going through worth it! i wanted to cry i was going to be a mum again, i had my names picked out already! A few days after the ultra sound one night i started being in some pain so i decided i would go to the hospital just to get checked out but  seeing as i wasn't bleeding i wasn't a priority so i sat and waited and figured i may as well just go home and try and sleep it off..... a few hours after getting home i started bleeding :( i was so scared i was losing the baby so i sorted out someone to watch Jack and i was back to the hospital again the bleeding slowly became heavier and heavier and the pain got worse... the took a little while to see me in emergency but then i was sent up to the prenatal clinic got to lay in a bed for a while which was nice then i finally saw some doctors,they gave me an internal ultra sound as i was still so early.... Bubs was fine! nothing seemed to be wrong nothing was broken or cracked it was all great, they said it must just be some extra bleeding that need to happen and just to take it easy for a week or so and gave me some good painkillers and sent me home! I got home and just layed on a mattress in the lounge room watching tv or sleeping. I had a massive nap and in the early night i woke up and there was blood everywhere but just didn't think much of it... went to the toilet and so forth and just shook it off. The next few days the pain got less but the bleeding took about 2 weeks to clear i asked my gp and he said that it was fine. So time went on and it got to my 12 week ultra sound which Ezz came with me, drunk all my water and what not i was just so excited to see my bug again!! We got in there the lady set up and put the dongle on there and i saw nothing..... i knew the moment i saw nothing that my baby wasn't there. I tried to keep my cool but the longer she looked the more panicked i got. The lady asked me if i was sure i was pregnant so i said yes i had a 8 week ultra sound twice... so she left the room and came back with another lady... they wanted to do an internal to check things out,Ezz held my hand she was amazing! They did the internal and saw no trace of a baby or anything to indicate i was pregnant. They wanted me to see a dr, all i wanted to was go home and lose it! but no stuck around rung my sister almost in tears and her and Jack came up to the hospital and waited with me. It was one of the most useless waits in my life. The dr i saw was horrible treating me like i was crazy making up that i was pregnant, i told her i was and the hospital even had done an ultra sound... she scoffed and took off. About 15 mins later she came back walked in and said "I am So sorry,there is no reason you should have lost your baby it was healthy and everything was fine form that ultra sound" We all got to lave and i just started crying i felt horrible i was doing it in front of jack and i also had to explain to my 4 year old he wasn't getting a baby brother or sister.... we went back to my sisters place and i just curled up and cried and cried, poor jack just kept asking why i wasn't having a baby anymore and making me feel worse(i know he didn't mean it he was 4) So then it was explaining to everyone i had lost the baby. I had never felt so useless being a woman at this point.I had lost a baby HE had gotten his way of me not having the baby.It took a long time to get past it but i know it was for the better the baby was not meant to be. I actually named it help me move on a bit more and it did actually help.Was one of the hardest time in my life, but what happened was cause it was meant to be!
Ok this is enough for now.... xoxo

A very personal and very open post!

I have decided to up the personal stuff on here even with the chance i am going to be judged and people may see me differently but i would love to finally get it out in the open....There is actually a hell of a lot i would love to get out in the open but this is the first one i will start with!!

Me and Grant were together for almost 4 years on and off,I feel in love so deeply i had never flt anything like that before... honestly i didn't expect things to go that way seeing as we were both rebound for each other but we clicked even with the downs. When he started getting into the drugs is when he changed and that is the reason we broke up twice. The last time getting back together he wasn't on them (as far as i know he wasn't and even if he was it was a lot less then before) Things were like in the beginning it was great and we were having a baby. We spoke about what our little family would be and picking names out all that stuff you do, we slowly got all the stuff we needed and  would set it up.... We were both so excited and couldn't wait to find out what we were having but that had to wait till i had the baby. So the time came and i went into labour.. well sorta lol,he slept through i would say 90% of the whole 27 1/2 hours it took for me to have Jack. He was helpful when i was pushing and the moment he saw Jack he cried and so forth me on the other hand i was just happy for it to be over with! I stayed in hospital for a week cause Jack was in the nic unit but Grant was there everyday spending time with me and going down to see Jack all the time. The guy saw him more then i ever did! 

We got to come home and i just wanted things to be back to me and him... he was amazing with jack he did almost everything for the first 3-4 months while i just sat back and watched.We moved out of my mums place to be a real family, i loved it! We would stay up nights talking about our future.... about getting married and having more kids and what he wanted to do after he finished his apprenticeship. Like was amazing i have a wonder man and a beautiful son who i loved more then life it's self....... Then April 2004 came around.He lost his job lied to me about it and then started to change. He would drink all the time live on his computer and would never spend any time with Jack.I still remember one night i went out with Ez and Ezz came home to find the house wide open and unlocked with him asleep on the couch(which you could see from the road) and jack in the bouncer wide awake on the floor next to him, i was horrified!! He wasn't looking for jobs or even making the effort to shower frequently.I also took me and jack to Ezz's place for a week to give us all a break and to think about what we wanted and that things needed to change he needed to make more of an effort,it changed for a week then went back to nothing.... i think the last straw for me was when i was sick with the flu i could barely move but i was still doing everything for jack,him and his mate who was over lanning at the time. I went and talked to mum about moving home and she said it was fine. So that was it the next morning i ended things.... i could barely say the words i was so heart broken but i was unhappy,also killed me that love isn't everything in a relationship when i always thought it would get us through everything an anything.A few days later me and Jack moved to mums.....Worst thing was after a few days i needed to go back and start packing our stuff and of course he was there he didn't have a job to go to so we ended up talking for a bit and then the emotions got to me and we ended up sleeping together,i just didn't want to let him go even though i knew i had to, worst thing was it happened almost every time i went around to pack...I decided it was time to get away so i went and stayed with dad for a few days. I get back and all mine and jack's stuff had been shoved in the garage made me feel like crap.. Dad helped me move stuff to mum's and for a few months i heard nothing from him... I thought it made the whole process easier.

We started talking again just before Jack's 1st birthday... i loved talking to him again made me smile like i hadn't for months. At this point me and Ez's were living together and we had a huge party for Jack's birthday at our place and invited Grant and all his family, it was a little awkward but we made do.... i pulled him aside through the party just to give him and update on Jack and in doing so all i wanted to do was say lets give this another chance but i didn't i kept my mouth closed,I invited him around to see jack on his actual birthday and for the dinner i was having i thought it would be good for jack to see him on his birthday. To my surprise he turned up and to see him with Jack made me feel good. After this he was around a bit more.. he would watch Jack while i went for a driving lesson or just come around and see him.... also sometimes he would crash the night and me being me we would end up sleeping together from time to time. It felt wonderful being in his arms again... things were going well he was spending time with jack ad we were getting along really well. All of a sudden it was nothing he wouldn't answer my calls or txt messages or even sms's.... a few weeks of no contact and it finally sunk in i was a single mum i was devastated, i barely knew how to function at times and i tried so much to not fall apart i knew i couldn't do it to Jack or my sister. So most of the time i would try and be fine through the day but come night when i was in bed i would just cry for hours not knowing where to go from here.Didn't help we were having issues with the house we were living in.We eventually moved into a cute little villa up the road from mums.... was starting to feel a bit better about me and where i was and then it hit me i was FAT... i hadn't realised how big i was for so long cause i saw myself through his eyes and he thought i was beautiful. The moment i realised i kinda died a little inside.... i was always skinny and to see myself that big i was shocked. I started trying to lose weight and move on with my life!! I was doing ok... helped i was seeing my friends a lot,we had partied and i generally had fun and also helped that i had a huge crush on a new guy... more about him in another post though. I hadn't heard from Grant for about 6 months maybe longer.Wasn't really till i moved out on my own with jack that i heard from him again. He seemed to be doing better he had a job and he wanted to see Jack... i kept visits short for a little while just getting Jack used to seeing him again.. it was going good Jack was excited whenever i would say do you want to see Daddy. One night we were smsing and i asked if he wanted to come over and he said yes. We both knew why i asked him to come over.... it kind of became a habit for us,if he was working late he would come crash at mine and we would have sex. He would go home the next morning but he would always spend time with jack before he left. He would come over on his days off and see Jack and we would have dinner and then me and Jack would drop him home.At this point i had started taking Jack to see his grandparents. So he was seeing all the beecham side.... then Grant stopped with the contact again nothing at all just like last time. I was furious i had to try and explain to a 3 year old why he couldn't see his dad. It set a whole bunch of things back with Jack and with me. I felt so stupid with everything that had happened.... yet again i had fucked up! When ever he was around i would just lose myself in him..... I loved seeing him spend time with Jack but i never expected him to disappear again but he did. So went another 6 months without talking to him or seeing him.

He eventually ended up living in a granny flat outside Brad's place cause he didn't really have anywhere else to go he had hit an all time low by the sounds.i ended up seeing him once when i was around at Brad's place and all this stuff came flooding back but not all of it good. Anyways one night i couldn't sleep so i msged him and he told me to come over so we could talk and maybe try and sort some stuff out.... Well yet again my hormones got the better of me and yes we had sex. When it came to him and the way he made me feel when he would touch me and kiss me.. i just had no will power. Me going around there became sorta a thing for us but jack was never brought into it i didn't want him to get more hurt,why didn't i think about me getting hurt. Every time i saw him i would always question myself "what am i doing here?" "why and i being so stupid?" "you are going to hate yourself after this.. just leave!" but then he would look at me or touch me and my mind would just go blank! It was him... he made me feel amazing every time always made me feel so sexy and beautiful... he knew everything i liked and did it well. every time i drove home i would cry.. i hated myself every time how could i keep sleeping with this man that has treated me like crap and even worse treat my son like nothing. Seriously what was wrong with me why could i not stop!!! Most of the time i saw him i didn't really mention jack cause i didn't want to fight which stupid me i should have maybe i wouldn't of kept sleeping with him.

One night i get a msg on my computer about Grant and some really hard core drugs he had been doing.... well this was the thing that broke that power he had on me! I went off my tree at him telling him to leave me alone and that if he cant be a good dad to stay away from Jack... Like i said i went off! I Cried so much that night i just didn't want to get out of bed.. but come morning i picked myself up spent a great day with Jack and just really tired to move past it all..... I did a few weeks later. He was out of my system it had finally gone away i slowly stopped hating myself for doing what i did. I felt like the worst person in the world. Probably one of my biggest screw ups. That was 3 years ago and i love know that i feel nothing but loathing for him. Still waiting for the day that karma catches up on me cause i have gotten all mine from what i did with him... i just wish his day would hurry up and come! 

I know everyone does things in life you hate yourself but i think this was one of my lowest points but the worst thing is that it lasted a few years. I almost regret it but at the same time i learnt a hell of a lot out of that situation and i think it has made me a better person and definitely a better mother....I still hate i did it to Jack... clearly not directly but i still....It was a long and bumpy almost 9 years having him in my life... i am grateful he gave me Jack and he taught me how to love... plus a few other things but the rest just means nothing to me now i am happy he is out of our lives we are so much better with out him! He hasn't payed child support in almost a year,this Nov it will be 5 years since he last put in the effort to see Jack. He really just doesn't care about either of us but his loss really.....

So i am going to go that was a lot for me to put down and i hope you all don't see me in a different way.

xoxo

Stealing the spotlight

I have decided that this blog is going to be all about me!! I rarely ever write about me and i have decided it is about time.

I am 26 and have 2 beautiful kids..... I have never been good with choosing the right decisions for me but i think after all this time i am finally starting to get it. I am very much a i need to learn from my mistakes kinda gal and i have learnt a hell of a lot in the past 26 years!

When i was growing up it was Nick,Ez and I living with mum,we saw dad every few weeks i think(cant quite remember) I was the only one not to grow up with Dad in the house,but whenever i did see him i was so happy! We would only stay the day most of the time but when we were lucky we got to sleep over and that was huge for me!! And when we got older we all took turns at staying at dad and Gaye's through the holidays. I seemed to always luck out and always end up going through winter so i didn't get to swim or go to jamberoo.
Sometimes having mum and dad divorced was hard specially with my friends who most had the 2 parents at home but i never tried to think about it much. Mum was a stay at home mum and was always home when we got home i never really thought much bout it till Jack started school. When i was growing up i always took little things for granted but i was soooo lucky to have my brother and sister they were my rocks growing up,i looked up to both of them and was so jealous they were older then me! But being the baby did have it's benefits... i did get to do a lot of stuff that Nick and Ez had to wait to do.
I have always been sure of what i want according to mum i used to argue with my grandma about what i would wear... i HATED dressed i always loved wearing tackies and a t-shirt like my big brother. I used to wrestle outside with the dogs and play transformers with Nick, but then i would play transalvanian families and down the track barbies. I was such a tom boy i loved getting dirty and being rough!! I always used to get grounded too cause i was a brat so i pushed the limits a lot!! I look back now am would LOVE to be a kid again even for a day life was so easier although i used to think it was so hard.

My teenage years were rather bad.. I got to high school and i was a bit on the tubby side and one my "ex boyfriends" used to yell out to me "rollin rollin rollin" All i wanted to do was cry but i would always make sure if i did he could never see it. It took me a while to make new friends in my class i felt so alone and sad. I am not even sure how it happened but i started talking to an awesome girl called Naomi then we started talking With the 2 awesome girls Stacy and Alana... we always did everything together it was nice to fit in somewhere and have friends.. didn't feel so alone anymore and that high school would actually be bearable. I talked to people from primary once and a while but i was set with my friends! Year 8 came around and i was chucked into a class that i knew no-one my friends were in different classes and i was so upset. After a few weeks i actually got mum to ask if they could change my class and they did, i was in classes with Stacy but Alana and Naomi were in different classes. About half way through year 8 i got the worst news(well so i thought) Naomi was moving down the coast. At this stage Alana and Stacy had started hanging around with some other people so i was kinda back to having no-one.... i just sat by myself for a few weeks and they Kirsty started talking to me and we became close i got along really well with her boyfriend as well i still felt a bit on the outside but after a while i felt i was with the right friends. Kirsty was the one to introduce me to my very first boyfriend. His name was Shane and he lived in Shoal haven heads and i thought he was gorgeous and amazing. We would talk on the phone for ever.. both getting in trouble for racking up big phone bills and spending way too much time on the phone. He would catch a train and come visit me and stay at Kirsty's so we could spend time together. My first real kiss was with him! It was actually quite romantic other then the fact it took me like 2 hours to finally french kiss him LOL. I thought it was just awesome. We were only together for a little while and then i get a phone call of some stupid girl saying he is breaking up with me... well i was just crushed!!! To get over Shane i started going out with a guy named Leigh who was a grade above me.... that didn't last long and he was cheating on me :O .I didn't bother for a while with guys they were all poo heads in my eyes.
Year 9 rolled around and me and Kirsty were still really close we were also hanging out with the new girl Cheree who came along with a bunch of guys and a girl called Jess. Me and Jess hated each other when we first met but for some reason all of a sudden we were best friends. This is around the time i really started acting out! Was waging and started smoking(not for long though) drinking and just being stupid really. We all kinda rotated who we dated but unlike the others i was still quite shy and barely kissed. The guys in the group i got pretty close with most of them specially Paul i was "in love" but he never felt the same way,but i was just happy to have him in my life. I kept getting in trouble so mum changed my school to get me away from them which i understand why more so now then back then. I was horrible to my mum at this point i wish i hadn't of been such a brat and actually given mum and Peter a break!I look back and think you stupid girl!! i had done a few things at this point that i really had regretted . I hated my new school i only knew a few people from primary and didn't really know any of them that well. I regret the group i decided to hang around with i really wish i had chosen different then the last bit of high school i might not have loath so much. The one good thing about the school was i got to work on my singing i loved it!! Singing for a few classes a week was the best! I lasted till the end of year 10 and then i was out of there.. couldn't have gotten out sooner in my eyes.
By the end of year 10 i had dated a few older guys... Greg in Qld which when you are 15 long distance is doable! But then i met Jess who i thought was just wonderful but he broke up with me for a chick in Canberra that just devastated me, I then dated his best friend Scott who was such a lovely guy.Then Jeff again but he then kissed my best friend Amanda so i ended it.... that afternoon Grant asked me out.
Grant and I were like 2 peas in a pod for so long.... he really was my first love,he was my one(or so i thought at the time) We had so much fun together and fell in love. We would have sleep overs and hangout on weekends when he wasn't working. For the first year it was great but then he started to change and in a really bad way!! So i broke it off after he forgot about V'day and was a real ass about it. I went months without speaking to him and really just tried to move on. I finally got a job at Go-Lo and was making some money and having fun with my friends. After i think about 3 months i found out that his Ex and my ex friend Amanda and hi had been hanging out and with that i realised i still loved him so i wanted him back that didn't last long cause he was still not the guy i fell in love with! Another 3-4 months went on and i went to see Greg for his 21st birthday and we were gunna try maybe giving it another go with me being older and what not. But the moment i kissed him i realised i still wanted Grant(i know silly girl). When i got back home i messaged him and it turns out Amanda and him were talking and possibly getting back together but i asked him to come over and we decided one more try...... this was in Oct, a few days after Christmas i was pregnant with Jack and finding out. I have never been sooooo scared in my life. How the hell was i going to tell my parents, how were we going to tell his parents who i hasn't seen in well over 6 months! We talked it over a LOT and we decided we were going to keep the baby. A few months before Jack was born he moved in with me to Mums.Jack was born and he was so good with Jack better then me with all my baby issues, after about 3 months we moved out to our own place near my mums place. Things were good for a while but started getting bad and just got worse when he lost his job!! That is when it all went down hill and i had to make a huge and devastating decision to leave him cause i was no longer happy. I still loved him so much but it just wasn't going to work and he proved that time and time again over the past 8 years!! It took me years to get over him but i did get there and the moment i did i felt like a weight had been lifted the moment it happened.

Ok i am going to leave it there i think this blog is big enough... will write some more tomorrow xoxo

Out of the mouths of babes

My children have cracked me up so much this afternoon, love them for it!!
Was such a big day today had a meet and greet then my first class that i set up and then a couple hours break then a second class. then it was a huge rush to get back to the school to get Jack so he didn't freak out thank goodness for Sheriden she stayed with him till i got there!! So me and Jack headed home to drop work stuff off and for me to get changed so he was running around playing with the little basket ball hoop we have atm and on his scooter and all of a sudden i hear "Come on mum can;t take that long to get changed" LOL . Went and grabbed Lil and then headed to log cabin to do river walk with Peter.
Had an awesome walk feeling way better after it, We were walking a long and Jack was way a head and then we just hear crying.. he had hit a rock on the scooter and flipped and hurt his leg so poor Peter had to carry him thank goodness we were near the car. Jack was telling Peter he felt like he was in a snail car LMAO and telling Peter he loves him and sucking up for carrying him LOL. I think the funniest thing of the arvo was i was putting things in the car and as i went to sit Jack screams out "Lilly is saying the a word" I kinda just shrugged it off then from out of the back seat Lilly screams out "ASS" clear as day i was so shocked i started laughing so loud and the whole way home Jack was trying to get her to say it! Worst thing is that she kept saying it.. couldn't do anything but laugh.
Well going to go gotta get the kids ready for bed!!! xoxo

Can i just add....

I hate hate HATE being called Mrs Beecham!!! I despise it seriously i am so over being called that.... need this name change so freaking fast but don't have the cash to do it... god i wanna kick the crap out of Grant for not signing the papers!!!
That is all..... xoxo

Well today was crazy!!!

First of all i want to just have a bit of a scream *AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH*
Ok now that is done onto what happened today. I am going to skip over my class this morning and just head into the hard and emotional part of my day.....
So started off with what i thought was going to be a nice and simple task,i just needed to get a referral for the pead and be on my way but NOOOOO my dr had other plans i had to wait and talk to him and blah blah i saw him when i was meant to be at the peads office!! I was almost in tears just from this. So i got my referral and some advice/stuff. Went and got jack from school and well there was road works people driving 20 and just annoying people on the road, i just felt like pulling over and crying my eyes out. I was trying to stay calm and just get there but the drive felt like it took and hour to get there when it was really an only extra 5-8 mins to get there. We finally got there and then i couldn't find where we had to go... seriously i was a mess by this point. A lovely lady who worked there showed me where to go so i got on the elevator and the butterflies kicked in..... then they continued for another hour and a bit cause we were late we had to wait which is fair enough. The kids where pushing it in the waiting room i just wanted to get in there and know what the next steps are so i was a little on edge :|
We get in there and i am thinking this guy seems like a bit of an ass... most of the way through i thought it but by the end i am quite happy to have him seeing Jack! So he asked a lot of questions.. he checked Jack heart and lungs and so forth.Weighed him and measured him...... He wrote a hell of a lot and was quite for a while i got rather nervous and wanted to shake him to talk. Then he spoke, He wants Jack to see a psychologist,a speech therapist and get his hearing check which he gave me a referral for all which makes my life a little bit easier but still so many people to see which equals i need a lot of money and a heap of appointments to go to.Plus he also needs to go back to the doc in 6 weeks which normally it would be every 6 months i need to take his reports and an OT report for him to read.
We are in for some tougher times then ever before but in the long run it will be so beneficial and if it means i know what is going on with my boy will make me and him happier and life hopefully that bit easier on us all.
Well that is it from me for now...... xoxo

The funniness!!

Lilly is growing up so much and so fast she changed every day and it amazes me!! She is turning into a beautiful little girl before my very eyes it makes me so proud but sad at the same time... They really don't stay babies for long! Lately i have been with holding her dummy through the day cause she really does need to stop needing it! Since this has been happening she seems to be babbling a lot more and talking a hell of a lot more!! She still isn't stay some stuff that i expected but i am not worried at all cause she tries to say really big words!! She proves to me every day how clever she truly is as well... She now waves hello and goodbye (which about bloody time LOL) She has to close door and drawers if they are left open... OCD much hehehe. She will put things back when you ask her too. Don't get me wrong she is no angel she is quite a cheeky rat bag. She likes pushing the limits atm seeing how far she can get but she is quickly learning it isn't very far. she is over 16 months old now before i know it she will be turning 2!! One awesome thing of late is people are saying she looks like me a lot more... i know kinda seems vein or up myself but Jack has always really looked like me so i was a bit down that she didn't look like me and that her and Jack looks to different but now a days she is a little mini me just with blue eyes... she is just a gorgeous little girl and i am going to have to watch her when she gets bigger!

So i am getting really nervous about Jack peads appointment tomorrow,hoping it goes well or i may make some heads roll! It has defiantly come at the best time with his behavior of late. It doesn't seem to be backing off or lessening which is a big of a worry!
Like this morning jack had a bit of a sleep in which is fine, he got up said morning to me and Lil and then disappeared in his room... so i was running around getting things done you know shower,pack school bag,pack Lilly's bag for the day and so forth. I then realised the time and it was a bit before 8:30 so i asked him to get dressed and well he just started going off how he needs to find his sonic screwdriver and he isn't going to school and he wont get dressed. I asked a few more times in between getting things done and still nothing. So i said to him you can go in your pjs he was quite happy with that so that is what happened! He went to school in them.... about 5-10mins later i walked down and gave him school clothes and he got changed but it isn't seem to phase him that he was being teased for wearing his pjs to school.
This after noon we went for our river walk with peter which was all good... he played up a bit as he does and then i didn't exist and that started him saying that he will have all my stuff. Starts spouting off i will have this and that then a pause and then he screams out at Peter i can also have mums handcuffs! Well i wanted to curl up in a ball and die but that the same time laugh my ass off... so freaking embarrassing,then he proceeded to talk about them for another 5 mins *die of embarrassment* Seriously this kid shares way to much of my life with other people......
Lately i have been thinking about my life with the kids and me starting work and a million other things.... i want to try a new way of dealing with things when they are not good... Like stuff with jack i am done arguing with him and yelling i am trying to stay calm and deal with it another way cause the going off my head doesn't get me very far and just makes things worse. Also i want to try and get out more have a LOT more fun i need it... life needs to be lived and enjoyed and really i have messed up in life and things can be tough but i plan on making the most of it!! If anyone ever wants to do anything let me know i will see when i am free and we can get to it! I am so anxious about work but so excited to be starting something new,i want to try and chuck as much of myself into it as i can i think it has a huge potential to be a wonderful and amazing job.
I am going to go need to so dome more work stuff. Love you all
xoxo

I know i know

Yes i said i would update this frequently but i have had a lot going on and i need to try harder to blog!
I want to make this blog about my mini man Jack.....

So the moment my mini man was born he has has a touch trot and it seems to never end but through everything i have never know a kid to be so bubbly and happy despite everything! As much as i have my very bad downs with him i am so proud of who he is becoming.
When i was in labour with jack he got stuck cause he was facing the wrong way (of course he was being difficult!!) I was told that he wouldn't be cry when he came out and not to freak out. He finally was born and they got him crying but he had one hell of a egg on his head from the vac and forceps and cause of the not breathing it was to the nic unit where he stayed for 4 days. While there he wasn't eating properly so he had a tube shoved down this throat,then he had an infection which made his temp spike and he had some many needles and cannulas it was hard to watch and also one of his testicles didn't come down.... So after we left the hospital we had to go back for ultra sounds on his head and testicles and to see a pediatrician for the first year of his life. His head was fine and his testicle dropped so that both turned out good!!!. He was also born cross-eyed so at 6 months old he had to see an eye specialist and he needed to start wearing glasses... well that was definitely a sight to see my mini man wearing glasses so young until then i didn't even know they made glasses so small!! This was also around the time me and Grant split but he was so little he didn't know what was going on (thank goodness for that). I was also being told from about this stage that he was under weight and was made to feel like the worst mother cause he wasn't putting on weight and he was eating anything and everything!!! This went on for about 8-10 months seeing a dr and pediatrician about his weight and general check ups! Eye specialist was every 6 months and always the case of no improvement :( we always got through specially with the help of my friends and family and my beautiful sister who we were living with!! After Jack's 1st birthday Grant was in and out of his life in it for about 3 months then gone for 6 and that went on till he was about 3 and then i kinda said enough is enough it was really getting to him and stuffing his emotions around!! Potty training happened rather late but once he got it he got it!!
Ever since Jack started playing he always had to have things a certain way and and colours had to be grouped together and he became quite attached to his care bear Grumpy he always had to come everywhere with us. Things were ok for a while just the eyes and the having to have things a certain way. He then started at childcare and he was playing up and yelling at the teachers and kids for doing things the wrong way... was a big adjustment for both of us,things calmed down after almost a year but there were still little things happening. He got assessed by someone at Lapstone child care but it didn't really tell us too much.All i really knew is we needed to get him to an Occupational Therapist.Which when i rang it was a 8 months wait.... well we ended up waiting a lot longer then that. The wait was so long because he wasn't classed at important cause of his age which don't get me wrong the youngins need help i totally understand but how is a kid about to start school not as important!!! Seriously tell em that!!!!Oh and also it was implied i take him to see a  pediatrician, so i went to my gp and got a referral to a "great" one...... She wasn't as great as they say! I didn't think she was good at all. I think she focused to much on me and Grant when Jack was the one we needed to sort out.Plus didn't want to see him for another 6 months when nothing was established in the first meeting it made me so angry!!!
The biggest problems for Jack and for me have been since he started school. I knew it wouldn't be easy with him starting but i had no idea what we were in for!! Me and this teachers just thought it was him adjusting to school and all the rules that needed to be followed. But as time went on things just didn't get better if anything things for worse. His fine motor skills still didn't develop and his behavior just didn't get better. He then got assessed by the school counselor which was he needed to see a pediatrician but i had been talking to one of Jacks teachers about clinical psychologist. So we decided he would see one instead also needed to get him to the OT as soon as possible(which still didn't happen after many phone calls) also needed to get his glasses fixed and his hearing tested(which i have been really slack with getting it done but i will VERY soon). Jacks behaviour did improve from time to time but it got really bad again after one of his Kindy teachers had to leave! Plus i was pregnant with Lilly so it was a little tough trying to spend time with him as much when feeling like crap but i made sure we spent time together!!! Also jack barely made friends in Kindy he would hang out with different groups of boys but never really fit in anywhere. Although i must add when Jack first started Kindy his first friend Was Emily and they were so cute together!!! She was always to lovely to Jack and i am thankful for that!
Jack finally got into see the OT I think it was middle of last year... i know i should know for sure but i am pretty sure it was then. So after just one visit with her i learnt a hell of a lot about my mini man. Whey it was so hard for him to write and cut and just general hand things and also why he is so clumsy and why sports just didn't happen with him. So Jack has something called Hyper mobility and low tow! The hyper mobility is like double jointedness which means all his joints bend back way more then they should and it isn't just the elbows and knees and it all the joints in his fingers,wrists.. the list just goes on and on. So this means after Jack does something for a little while his muscles fatigue because they are working so much harder then the average persons which explains why he can never sit still and finds it hard to concentrate on well anything... the best way to help is to get him to stop what he is doing and get him to do the opposite. So say he is sitting writing, to help him get back to focusing get him up send him for a walk and hen sit back down and his body and muscles are reset. In some cases it will improve with age but by the looks of it atm in Jacks case it will stay the same which more poor mini man :( but i am hopefully that it will lessen the older he gets but when if it does he can never get big or he will be in pain cause it put so much pressure on his joints and will cause a hell of a lot of pain. He will probably be a fitness freak which nothing wrong with but cant see him like that... i just know he is gunna cost a lot for either gym equipment or gym fees for him once he gets older! Now as for the low tow this is pretty much put down to co-ordination which he just doesn't have and never has!! He cant throw a ball properly or kick a ball properly. All that stuff is really hard for him and i know it gets to him when he sees the other boys playing sports... not sure what will happen down the track with the low tow i really need to research it more. Between the hyper mobility and the low tow plus a million other things i have researched over the year once i become a teacher i will be all knowledged up if any kids have any problems LOL.
Jack started seeing a clinical psychologist last year she was wonderful she spoke really well with Jack and as much as he was naughty with our visits to her she dealt with him really well but unfortunately she got offered a full time position at another practice and she wasn't allowed to take patients with her... we were so close to getting him assessed but yet soooooo far away!!! That was a huge blow for both of us i finally thought we were going to get somewhere!
Year 1 for jack was even more of a battle with Jack even to the point he got suspended for 3 days because his behaviour,attitude and was getting a tad violent. After that thought he started to get better at school and trying harder but he didn't have any friends and i still to this day believe he was being bullied buy a few of the boys in his class! I was quite happy to see the back of year one to be honest! Was a very tough year on all of us. Thankfully Jack loved his baby sister so that was an easy adjustment much easier then i expected.
This year i was disappointed to find out Jack had split teacher yet again! Don't get me wrong i LOVE jack's main teacher she is wonderful she deals really well with Jack and is just all round awesome. His other teacher not so happy about, Fair enough she knew Jack form year one when she was a substitute but once i meet her i wasn't so thrilled. She doesn't deal quite as well with Jack she will scream at him and argue with him and he is to the point it just doesn't effect him anymore. To add to it she is pregnant.. Congrats to her but she has an even shorted fuse with Jack and half the time she either doesn't show up to school or she sends him to another teacher for most of the day which isn't really a good thing. I get being pregnant is hard but you are a teacher you need to try and deal or stop teaching!!!! I know you probably all think i sound like a huge bitch but when she isn't doing best by my son i get this shits!!! I really hope that things get better i am hanging in there the best i can!!!
Jack is still seeing the OT every 4-5 weeks and she says he is improving but not to the point he can write all that well and if it doesn't change soon it never well and i am so sacred it wont . I am going to try doing SOOOOO much more at home and try and get these fine motor skill muscles moving and pray it starts to help. I must say his OT is wonderful he actually really loves going to see her cause it is fun as he says lol.
The coming Tuesday we are seeing a new pediatrician... i got his number from my ex brother in law and apparently he is really good, i am going in there guns a blazing and tell him what i need from him and where i want all of this too go. no more sitting back letting them call the shots... I am taking this into my own hands and making life easier for my mini man cause i am sick to death of life never giving him a break! I have a few ideas as to what is going on with Jack but i want to someone to tell me whether i am right or wrong but i guess time will tell. I just know i want to know exactly so we can start changing life to make it better for him and try show him that life isn't always so bad. Not that he thinks that often he is quite positive.
I think one of th biggest hurdles for us atm is trying t get his name changed as time goes on he is dealing less and less with having his name Beecham at school he has a REAL problem with it now!! But i am trying to come up with money to pay for a lawyer but worst thing is i cant be promised a win which is like a slap in the face after everything.I have also been thinking why not just go for full custody as well while i am at it. He wants nothing to do with him so  i may as well take that. Just making me so angry that he hasn't payed child support for almost a year and he wont sign these papers when he hasn't seen Jack for almost 5 years i mean come on man just sign the papers and let your "son" be happy with who he is!!! I actually think once Jack is legally Halley he will feel better about himself and that may help things with him! Hopefully by the end of the year it will all be sorted.
There is so much more about jack but this is long enough as it is i may to a part 2 down the track!!!!
I love my mini man and wouldn't change him for anything or give him up even on the bad days!!! He is my world and the one male that is constant in my life. :D
That is it for now... xoxo