A very personal and very open post!

I have decided to up the personal stuff on here even with the chance i am going to be judged and people may see me differently but i would love to finally get it out in the open....There is actually a hell of a lot i would love to get out in the open but this is the first one i will start with!!

Me and Grant were together for almost 4 years on and off,I feel in love so deeply i had never flt anything like that before... honestly i didn't expect things to go that way seeing as we were both rebound for each other but we clicked even with the downs. When he started getting into the drugs is when he changed and that is the reason we broke up twice. The last time getting back together he wasn't on them (as far as i know he wasn't and even if he was it was a lot less then before) Things were like in the beginning it was great and we were having a baby. We spoke about what our little family would be and picking names out all that stuff you do, we slowly got all the stuff we needed and  would set it up.... We were both so excited and couldn't wait to find out what we were having but that had to wait till i had the baby. So the time came and i went into labour.. well sorta lol,he slept through i would say 90% of the whole 27 1/2 hours it took for me to have Jack. He was helpful when i was pushing and the moment he saw Jack he cried and so forth me on the other hand i was just happy for it to be over with! I stayed in hospital for a week cause Jack was in the nic unit but Grant was there everyday spending time with me and going down to see Jack all the time. The guy saw him more then i ever did! 

We got to come home and i just wanted things to be back to me and him... he was amazing with jack he did almost everything for the first 3-4 months while i just sat back and watched.We moved out of my mums place to be a real family, i loved it! We would stay up nights talking about our future.... about getting married and having more kids and what he wanted to do after he finished his apprenticeship. Like was amazing i have a wonder man and a beautiful son who i loved more then life it's self....... Then April 2004 came around.He lost his job lied to me about it and then started to change. He would drink all the time live on his computer and would never spend any time with Jack.I still remember one night i went out with Ez and Ezz came home to find the house wide open and unlocked with him asleep on the couch(which you could see from the road) and jack in the bouncer wide awake on the floor next to him, i was horrified!! He wasn't looking for jobs or even making the effort to shower frequently.I also took me and jack to Ezz's place for a week to give us all a break and to think about what we wanted and that things needed to change he needed to make more of an effort,it changed for a week then went back to nothing.... i think the last straw for me was when i was sick with the flu i could barely move but i was still doing everything for jack,him and his mate who was over lanning at the time. I went and talked to mum about moving home and she said it was fine. So that was it the next morning i ended things.... i could barely say the words i was so heart broken but i was unhappy,also killed me that love isn't everything in a relationship when i always thought it would get us through everything an anything.A few days later me and Jack moved to mums.....Worst thing was after a few days i needed to go back and start packing our stuff and of course he was there he didn't have a job to go to so we ended up talking for a bit and then the emotions got to me and we ended up sleeping together,i just didn't want to let him go even though i knew i had to, worst thing was it happened almost every time i went around to pack...I decided it was time to get away so i went and stayed with dad for a few days. I get back and all mine and jack's stuff had been shoved in the garage made me feel like crap.. Dad helped me move stuff to mum's and for a few months i heard nothing from him... I thought it made the whole process easier.

We started talking again just before Jack's 1st birthday... i loved talking to him again made me smile like i hadn't for months. At this point me and Ez's were living together and we had a huge party for Jack's birthday at our place and invited Grant and all his family, it was a little awkward but we made do.... i pulled him aside through the party just to give him and update on Jack and in doing so all i wanted to do was say lets give this another chance but i didn't i kept my mouth closed,I invited him around to see jack on his actual birthday and for the dinner i was having i thought it would be good for jack to see him on his birthday. To my surprise he turned up and to see him with Jack made me feel good. After this he was around a bit more.. he would watch Jack while i went for a driving lesson or just come around and see him.... also sometimes he would crash the night and me being me we would end up sleeping together from time to time. It felt wonderful being in his arms again... things were going well he was spending time with jack ad we were getting along really well. All of a sudden it was nothing he wouldn't answer my calls or txt messages or even sms's.... a few weeks of no contact and it finally sunk in i was a single mum i was devastated, i barely knew how to function at times and i tried so much to not fall apart i knew i couldn't do it to Jack or my sister. So most of the time i would try and be fine through the day but come night when i was in bed i would just cry for hours not knowing where to go from here.Didn't help we were having issues with the house we were living in.We eventually moved into a cute little villa up the road from mums.... was starting to feel a bit better about me and where i was and then it hit me i was FAT... i hadn't realised how big i was for so long cause i saw myself through his eyes and he thought i was beautiful. The moment i realised i kinda died a little inside.... i was always skinny and to see myself that big i was shocked. I started trying to lose weight and move on with my life!! I was doing ok... helped i was seeing my friends a lot,we had partied and i generally had fun and also helped that i had a huge crush on a new guy... more about him in another post though. I hadn't heard from Grant for about 6 months maybe longer.Wasn't really till i moved out on my own with jack that i heard from him again. He seemed to be doing better he had a job and he wanted to see Jack... i kept visits short for a little while just getting Jack used to seeing him again.. it was going good Jack was excited whenever i would say do you want to see Daddy. One night we were smsing and i asked if he wanted to come over and he said yes. We both knew why i asked him to come over.... it kind of became a habit for us,if he was working late he would come crash at mine and we would have sex. He would go home the next morning but he would always spend time with jack before he left. He would come over on his days off and see Jack and we would have dinner and then me and Jack would drop him home.At this point i had started taking Jack to see his grandparents. So he was seeing all the beecham side.... then Grant stopped with the contact again nothing at all just like last time. I was furious i had to try and explain to a 3 year old why he couldn't see his dad. It set a whole bunch of things back with Jack and with me. I felt so stupid with everything that had happened.... yet again i had fucked up! When ever he was around i would just lose myself in him..... I loved seeing him spend time with Jack but i never expected him to disappear again but he did. So went another 6 months without talking to him or seeing him.

He eventually ended up living in a granny flat outside Brad's place cause he didn't really have anywhere else to go he had hit an all time low by the sounds.i ended up seeing him once when i was around at Brad's place and all this stuff came flooding back but not all of it good. Anyways one night i couldn't sleep so i msged him and he told me to come over so we could talk and maybe try and sort some stuff out.... Well yet again my hormones got the better of me and yes we had sex. When it came to him and the way he made me feel when he would touch me and kiss me.. i just had no will power. Me going around there became sorta a thing for us but jack was never brought into it i didn't want him to get more hurt,why didn't i think about me getting hurt. Every time i saw him i would always question myself "what am i doing here?" "why and i being so stupid?" "you are going to hate yourself after this.. just leave!" but then he would look at me or touch me and my mind would just go blank! It was him... he made me feel amazing every time always made me feel so sexy and beautiful... he knew everything i liked and did it well. every time i drove home i would cry.. i hated myself every time how could i keep sleeping with this man that has treated me like crap and even worse treat my son like nothing. Seriously what was wrong with me why could i not stop!!! Most of the time i saw him i didn't really mention jack cause i didn't want to fight which stupid me i should have maybe i wouldn't of kept sleeping with him.

One night i get a msg on my computer about Grant and some really hard core drugs he had been doing.... well this was the thing that broke that power he had on me! I went off my tree at him telling him to leave me alone and that if he cant be a good dad to stay away from Jack... Like i said i went off! I Cried so much that night i just didn't want to get out of bed.. but come morning i picked myself up spent a great day with Jack and just really tired to move past it all..... I did a few weeks later. He was out of my system it had finally gone away i slowly stopped hating myself for doing what i did. I felt like the worst person in the world. Probably one of my biggest screw ups. That was 3 years ago and i love know that i feel nothing but loathing for him. Still waiting for the day that karma catches up on me cause i have gotten all mine from what i did with him... i just wish his day would hurry up and come! 

I know everyone does things in life you hate yourself but i think this was one of my lowest points but the worst thing is that it lasted a few years. I almost regret it but at the same time i learnt a hell of a lot out of that situation and i think it has made me a better person and definitely a better mother....I still hate i did it to Jack... clearly not directly but i still....It was a long and bumpy almost 9 years having him in my life... i am grateful he gave me Jack and he taught me how to love... plus a few other things but the rest just means nothing to me now i am happy he is out of our lives we are so much better with out him! He hasn't payed child support in almost a year,this Nov it will be 5 years since he last put in the effort to see Jack. He really just doesn't care about either of us but his loss really.....

So i am going to go that was a lot for me to put down and i hope you all don't see me in a different way.

xoxo