A bit of everything!!!

I am really unsure what to put here tonight.. there is still so much for me to say. I do however want to say with everything i have been through in the past 26 years and all the mistakes i have made i am really starting to like th person i am,i think i have learnt a lot and i am so grateful for the things i have in my life. I am really trying to embrace everything that is thrown my way and staying positive that things will work out.I am a strong believer in things happy for a reason.
Most of the relationships i have been in have been crappy... And clearly all ended and generally ended badly!! Most of the ones i had after Grant were generally because someone who showed interest and i was lonely.. but there were a few i can honestly say it was cause they were great guys and i was interested. But i think after my last relationship it showed me a lot about who i become when i am with someone and i don't like that person,i am more determine then ever once i do start dating i wont fall back into old habits. I tend to put the other person first they get everything they want and need and i end up with nothing and i turn into this person that just didn't know what she wants or who she is! Since the night me and Mick split i started working on me and i have found out a lot about myself and how i can to thing differently next time. I always have had a lot of love and support from my beautiful friends and family specially this last time. I am actually proud of myself for the first time in a VERY long time i am finally losing weight and i am trying to be a better person and mother all round. Every day there is a new step but every day i find it so much easier. I am really appreciating the small things in life and want to do more things and have much more fun for myself and with the kids.
I have always wanted to be the best parent i can be and i think i am finally getting there,My biggest thing is knowing when i need some me time and taking it or doing something fun and let loose once in a while.
The older i get the more in understand that life is what you make of it and really what is the point of being negative and down all the time it doesn't really ever get you far. Yeah i have my downer days abut i always try to break myself out of them yeah sometimes it doesn't happen but sometimes it does... depends on the days events really.

Relationships have always be a must for me i think.. High school it was easy you break up you find someone new that day or the next day but when your a teenager having a crush is a weekly thing. It helped that i have always found it easy to talk to guys so i have always had guy friends to boot. I was always shy with guys that i like(hell it is the same deal now at 26 LOL) but high school it was a tad worse,but i never really thought much of it. Having the friends i did in high school never really helped with the whole having sex and fooling around so me being me trying to fit in i slept with a guy way to early, i am not proud of myself and i am quite ashamed of it but it happened so not much else i could do about it... That "relationship" didn't last long as i found out i was the other woman i was devastated with all that had happened and he was my first. I think that added to so many issues i already had. the few guys after that were short lived and somewhat a bit of heartache... I didn't love them but still.But after Grant i was a chubby single mum with no confidence at all,so as i said most of the time i would jump at the chance to be with someone cause they showed interest i figured i don't want to be alone. I always wanted a guy in my life to make me feel better about me(most of the time there were a few exceptions)After a guy named Dave who was a guy i was with just for someone... i was single for a while and i started to get to know who i am, i had started looking to lose weight and was just figuring out what to do next....And i got to the point i was ok with being on my own i did't NEED a guy i just wanted one. Mick popped up not long after that. We were together just on 2 years but since then seeing the relationship we had and i have had with so many others i really am ok with being on my own and i really am i pay for everything i rent this house on my own and i do all my mummy stuff on my own. I like i don't need a man to make my life easier i just want one when i find the right one. A really good friend Jimmy....(there ya go hun :P) lately has shown me what nice guys are like and it shows me that the nice ones are defiantly worth waiting for.I don't quite think he understands how much he has given me with just being the friend he is!
I know it is gunna take one hell of a guy to take me and the kids on, but if he is wanting to clearly he will be worth having a round but i want to do things differently... Unless i actually know the guy as a friend when we start dating it will be a while before he meets the kids, i think that is something i should do differently . I wanna be swept off me feet and shown i am worth being taken out and treated like a princess from time to time and that i will have an equal in a relationship. I really and truly know what i want in my next relationship and i deserve it!!! But ti will be a challenge.. See Lilly has a dad so she doesn't really need another one yes she will be getting one in a way but still... the challenge will be Mr Jack,he has never known what a dad really is but at the same time it would be nice for him to have someone to look up to. He needs someone to have fun with and just see as a decent guy. I think he is starting to get to the point he isn't really looking for a dad he knows he always has me.
Well i am going now.... xoxo