Some more about me....

Not quite sure where to start this one.....
I guess i will just start with the part of my life after me and Grant split..... So as i have said i moved me and jack to mums place but we were only there for a few months and then me and my sister moved out together.We were in this little house kind of dodge but it would do for a while,we took no time settling in and living together it worked well.. only part i didn't like was that she worked night shift and i would freak out being at home just me and Jack but i slowly got used to it.We stayed there about about 9 months but we were so sick of all the house crap we started looking again and found this great little villa up the road from mums. The moment we moved in it felt like home! We loved it there we had our own little set ups and we just did out own things.....We would go out a big bunch of us girls or just a few of us but generally we would go to panthers for drinks and dancing. It was fun to just go out and let loose.. i was starting to get used to life just me and Jack living with Ez it was great.... i was not liking being single but trying to cope, One night Tez introduced us to jack we had heard so much about.. if i remember correctly;y it was for salsa dancing classes or something...Either way had a bit of a chat to him but i thought he was a cutie! A month or so later Tezma had her birthday party and it was at Panthers and Jake came along as did a heap of other Wollongong people who were all very awesome. After that night me and Jake started talking a lot over the net got to know each other and i was rather smitten with him. He would come for weekend visits it was nice to have a guy around that was nice to me and to Jack... Jack also loved him cause Jack had a cool car lol. I really started to like Jake but he didn't want the instant family plus he was always so busy with work and cadets.. looking back now i totally get it back then not so much cause i loved having him around!!! We would hang out all the time and talk all the time it was really nice.....
About Feb 06 me and Ez decided it was time we parted ways specially since the house we were in was for sale plus Ez and Sprongll wanted to move in together!! So i got a little unit (on the top floor silly me) and me and Jake moved me in over the weekend, was such a tough job for just 2 of us to do but we got it done thanks to Jake!! I got settled and Jack loved the new place,was just the 2 of us me really out on my own! At first it was ok we adjusted got ourselves set up but after a little while it all just got so much i got lonely and all the money i had to pay was just insane i couldn't keep up with any of it. At this point i didn't know how to manage money ad i started drowning in debt,i started losing myself,being depressed and just had NO idea what to do. I know a lot of people just didn't want to be around me other then Jack i just couldn't see the good in the world.My family and friends tried to break me of it but nothing seemed to help! Mum was my savoiur she helped me out more then i liked to ask!! After speaking to my brother about everything he suggested we move out together it was a great idea.. i started to get excited about things about life! I started house hunting and then something awesome came up... One of my brother's works mates had a house he was thinking of renting out and he offered it to us, the thought of moving to Bligh park was a bit iffy but then we thought why the hell not. It was a great house i loved it there!! 4 bedrooms and just a big open house with an awesome back yard and to top it off we lived across from the shops.
Was a bit of an adjustment living with someone again and to add to it was a male and then a 3rd male every 2nd weekend. But it worked well i started having saving,me and Jack started bonding more and Nick came with awesome stuff lol. It was nice living with my brother he was always so very zen made life easier.
So for a while before i moved out with Nick and whole living with Nick i had been talking to a guy name Stephen who i met through the net.. we talked a lot and i started to develop a bit of a crush he was a sweet cute guy but we never met.... i would hope one day we would... there were a few times we went to set something up but it never happened and about a week before we were set to me he started dating someone new! I was rather upset but couldn't really say much we had never met in real life.At this point too the newest thing online was Myspace! I had added a few randoms and one of them was a guy named Clarke.. he was a few years younger then me but i thought why not lets see where we go. We chatted on and off for a week we exchanged numbers so we smsed each other a lot. One Friday night i was out with some friends ad we went to the movies after that i decided i would take Clarke up on the offer and go meet him(not one of my finest moment!! Hell this whole section is just wrong in so many ways) So i meet him down at Nepean river(again i know very stupid) We just chatted a lot just got to know each other,i thought he was nice and could be a bit of fun.. i knew he could never be anything serious he was 19. So we parted ways that night and went home... we talked a heap for a week or so more and then thought why not lets hook up....So he came over he did the dead,talked a bit and he left. About a week later same deal.... didn't feel much about the situation he was cute was kinda boring but eh ok.So we would talk from time to time not as much as we used to... didn't really make much of it.One day i was soooo sick puking and feeling like crap hadn't eaten or drunk anything so my sister came and picked me up and took me to the after hours clinic at the hospital.. The asked me to do a pee test not thinking much of it,they took my temp and asked some question... got sent back out into the waiting room and about 10 mins later i got to see the dr... walked into the room dr asked how i was feeling and so forth just as i was about to sit down she turns to me and says " Your pregnant" the look on my face would have been priceless.... In that moment my heart honest to go stopped, i wanted to die! I turned to the dr and just said "nooooo.... just no" and she passed me a positive pee stick... she gives me a maxalon shot tell me to see my gp as soon as i can. I leave the room feeling even worse then when i walked in. I had so much going on in my head but i was using all my will power not to cry.I walk out to ez silent as anything and i just start walking to the car with her trailing behind me asking what is going on. I just swing around and blurt out that i am pregnant her face too was priceless.The car ride home i barely remember. I just remember going home sitting watching some stuff with my brother then going to bed and just crying.
I saw my gp and we set up ultra sounds and all that normal stuff. I still had no idea what i was going to tell people.Hell what i was going to tell this guy i slept with twice. I msged him a few night later seeing if he wanted to catch up and for some reason he knew something was going on, so i had to tell him over the phone... honestly i have had some shitt things said to me but he is still the top of the list he was such a fucking asshole it was unbelievable, i know what i told him no guy wants to hear but i told him he didn't need to be part of it i would do it on my own.. there was no way i was going to have an abortion i couldn't imagine giving up my baby no matter who it was too.So that was that with him... Now it was time to tell my parents.My poor parents!!! I kinda just dropped it like a bomb with mum she was so upset (i dont blame her) Peter did all the asking mum just stood there in shock. Dad and Gaye i kinda did the same thing just blurted it out they didn't cope either(again understandable)! I felt like i had let them all down in so many ways how was i ever going to stop being such a screw up!! My brother and sister were amazing though so supportive and just wonderful if it wasn't for them i wouldn't have gotten through.I went to my very first ultra sound and i was 8 weeks and 1 day along seeing that tiny little bug shape made all the crap i was going through worth it! i wanted to cry i was going to be a mum again, i had my names picked out already! A few days after the ultra sound one night i started being in some pain so i decided i would go to the hospital just to get checked out but  seeing as i wasn't bleeding i wasn't a priority so i sat and waited and figured i may as well just go home and try and sleep it off..... a few hours after getting home i started bleeding :( i was so scared i was losing the baby so i sorted out someone to watch Jack and i was back to the hospital again the bleeding slowly became heavier and heavier and the pain got worse... the took a little while to see me in emergency but then i was sent up to the prenatal clinic got to lay in a bed for a while which was nice then i finally saw some doctors,they gave me an internal ultra sound as i was still so early.... Bubs was fine! nothing seemed to be wrong nothing was broken or cracked it was all great, they said it must just be some extra bleeding that need to happen and just to take it easy for a week or so and gave me some good painkillers and sent me home! I got home and just layed on a mattress in the lounge room watching tv or sleeping. I had a massive nap and in the early night i woke up and there was blood everywhere but just didn't think much of it... went to the toilet and so forth and just shook it off. The next few days the pain got less but the bleeding took about 2 weeks to clear i asked my gp and he said that it was fine. So time went on and it got to my 12 week ultra sound which Ezz came with me, drunk all my water and what not i was just so excited to see my bug again!! We got in there the lady set up and put the dongle on there and i saw nothing..... i knew the moment i saw nothing that my baby wasn't there. I tried to keep my cool but the longer she looked the more panicked i got. The lady asked me if i was sure i was pregnant so i said yes i had a 8 week ultra sound twice... so she left the room and came back with another lady... they wanted to do an internal to check things out,Ezz held my hand she was amazing! They did the internal and saw no trace of a baby or anything to indicate i was pregnant. They wanted me to see a dr, all i wanted to was go home and lose it! but no stuck around rung my sister almost in tears and her and Jack came up to the hospital and waited with me. It was one of the most useless waits in my life. The dr i saw was horrible treating me like i was crazy making up that i was pregnant, i told her i was and the hospital even had done an ultra sound... she scoffed and took off. About 15 mins later she came back walked in and said "I am So sorry,there is no reason you should have lost your baby it was healthy and everything was fine form that ultra sound" We all got to lave and i just started crying i felt horrible i was doing it in front of jack and i also had to explain to my 4 year old he wasn't getting a baby brother or sister.... we went back to my sisters place and i just curled up and cried and cried, poor jack just kept asking why i wasn't having a baby anymore and making me feel worse(i know he didn't mean it he was 4) So then it was explaining to everyone i had lost the baby. I had never felt so useless being a woman at this point.I had lost a baby HE had gotten his way of me not having the baby.It took a long time to get past it but i know it was for the better the baby was not meant to be. I actually named it help me move on a bit more and it did actually help.Was one of the hardest time in my life, but what happened was cause it was meant to be!
Ok this is enough for now.... xoxo